I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
