He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
