dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
