I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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