BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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