I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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