I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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