Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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