We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
