The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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