Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
