My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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