Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
handjob tips. give me some.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
