my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
