booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
