so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
