I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
