at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
