i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
