I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
so much tequila, so little girl.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
