blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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