He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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