I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
