walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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