im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
