I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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