Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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