Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
