I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
