I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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