HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
