So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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