The maid of honor just puked.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
