I want to stick my p in your. b.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
