I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
it glows. i had to have it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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