i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
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I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
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Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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