Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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