if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
