i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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