I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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