i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
