you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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