Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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