Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
