I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
