I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
