glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i think i just lost a toe
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
