i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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