i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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