Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
