Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
