So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
