My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
