you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
