Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
